Thank you for stopping by to hear my ramblings tonight and apologies to my wonderful followers who deserve a much better post. I guess this is just a personal post to help me self discover.
Who I want to be
- By nature, I’m a perfectionist who wants every word to be eloquent and coherent before it goes out into public. In my earlier days I read Supreme Court and Federal Court judgments in Australia over and over again to learn from judges how to write. I read barristers’ transcripts and cross examinations. I perceived the legal profession to have such great writing and speaking skills that I looked to them for guidance. And from this I learnt how to write a little eloquently… as well as learning a bit about the law.
- I want to inspire others. I’ve done a lot of volunteering. I’ve worked in homeless persons legal clinics and aged care homes. Being able to inspire just one person at a time has been such a humbling thing. I once met an old lady at an aged care home who I always thought had severe dementia. She never spoke to me in the time I was there – just smiled and remained silent. One day she surprised me. She took my hand and told me that she’d never forget me until the day that she died. Her eyes were so beautiful. I knew that she meant it. I never saw her again, but being able to give someone comfort even for only a little bit longer in their lives is such a beautiful feeling. I feel so humbled.
- I want to be good at my job. I’m an intensely hard worker. I answer phone calls on a Sunday from work. I go well beyond to do what has to be done. I’ve worked seven long years at uni to get to where I am. I don’t want to let that go.
- I want to be interesting and find things interesting. I want to be able to have interesting conversations with friends. I want to love other people’s company.
But tonight I just feel different.
I feel disjointed.
I feel vulnerable.
And what is worst of all… I don’t know why.
I’m just me.
But ultimately with my veneer stripped bear tonight I’m just me.
There are so many things that I want to be.
But ultimately who is the real me?
- I just want so much to help others. I really can’t explain it anymore than that. I want others to feel happy. I want others to feel safe. I want others to feel free. I feel so much for the plight of others who suffer.
- I feel so much for animals. I just can’t believe how we have come to treat animals so badly when they’re living sentient beings. When they have beautiful personalities, when they love others, when they want so much to have freedom. I can’t believe that dogs are tortured in Asia so that they taste better. I can’t believe animals are treated so badly just because they have been born into those bodies. I look at Sammy my cat every day, and think how lucky she is. Animals are so helpless. A part of me always dies when I see them cry and beg for freedom.
- I feel so much about happiness – I just want so much to be able to keep happy memories in my heart forever and for them not to fade with time.
My ramblings are coming to an end
My ramblings are coming to an end tonight.
But from this exercise I’ve realised that I’m just me. Nothing more.
There’s no point trying to keep a veneer up when you’re vulnerable. Sometimes you need to embrace your true self to be truly free.
From one vulnerable soul to another. I think of you always.